Back in September of 2015, I never would’ve fathomed being generally okay with myself. I walked into the doors of Rosewood thinking that this place would be just another treatment center that cannot help me. I planned on being there for a maximum of 30 days, then leave and end my life if I couldn’t be “fixed.” About 5 weeks into my stay, once I learned that I could trust my treatment team, I surrendered. I had to reopen all my old wounds so that they could finally heal properly. Some days the emotional pain was so intense that I wanted to throw in the towel, but the staff helped me ride it out.
In March of 2016, I said goodbye as my insurance pulled the plug. When I first heard the news, I immediately thought to self-sabotage because I had to go back to the same situation that brought me to RW. I relapsed hard the day I left because of fear. What I didn’t realize until weeks later, was that my housing situation may still be the same, but I was much different; I was given the skills needed to manage life back at my fathers. I fell back into my old routine for months after I returned “home” and tried playing the pity party with myself again. I was able to turn that around with the positive messages Rosewood had instilled in me. I took my old job back, got a rental place to call my own and made a treatment team for myself while continuing to do the work. Yes, I did go through a lot of second guessing my ability and honestly I still do sometimes, but now, I know what it feels like to truly smile.
I am not used to sticking to my guns or doing what I love instead of what others want me to love. I took on a new, rewarding job where I care for over 130 animals at a wildlife shelter/sanctuary. This job doesn’t give me extra spending money; it does pay my bills each month, allows me to stay on my path to recovery and it gives me a sense of fulfillment. I rely on the local food bank for my nourishment and I am learning to accept that, instead of succumbing to my eating disorder and falling back into negative behaviors. I take the help and I nourish myself. I still turn to negative behaviors (on occasion) to cope and I have learned that recovery is not a straight path. Recovery is chaotic, loud, sometimes sloppy, but in the end it is a beautiful process and well worth the effort.
I am alive today because Rosewood continued to hold onto my hope when I couldn’t hold it for myself. The staff walked with me until they knew I had the tools needed to safely handle life out with the rest of society and away from inpatient treatment. Thank you Rosewood. I am alive today with the help of your guidance.
