The minute I finally accepted that recovery looks different for everyone, I was able to find a lot more freedom in the process. My entire life has been a victim of perfectionism and within that: insecurity, feelings of unworthiness, and a lot of shame in my own process. I truly believed recovery was just not attainable for me. I looked back at my life and the way the disorder had taken over my life and I would compare it to other people I had met in recovery and it just never added up. I quickly realized this type of thinking was not only an excuse to stay sick but also a manifestation of my worst self: Aimee with an eating disorder. Although treatment and recovery has not been a linear process for me, I don’t judge that at all. If anything, I am proud of myself for finally getting to where I am today. I spent years trying to convince myself (with little avail) that I was good enough when it only took a little bit of surrendering to see that I just AM. I exist, and that is about all I will ever be able to control.
Every day is a lesson and I still continue to stay curious about where my eating disorder shows up in my life. The thoughts are relentless and constant but so is my commitment to recovery. My time at Rosewood was only a small fraction of my life but in that time, I grew in ways I never thought possible. My eating disorder had been a part of me for so long I had forgotten that an actual living, sassy, loving, caring person lived inside the exterior I obsessed about so much. It will never just be about food or weight or numbers…it is so much more complex, and that makes it even scarier. Help is always available, to anyone that wants it but that’s also something I learned: you need to want it.
I am in recovery but it does not mean the work is over. I am grateful every day to the people who stood by me every step of the way, and I now continue to do the work on my own. My life is a puzzle piece that I keep finding new pieces for and although difficult, I have found the strength to keep going. My relationship with food, body and exercise continues to be mended and I am now aware of everything I have to live for. My life no longer revolves around thoughts of food, exercise or the size of my waist. I hope that everyone struggling reaches out for support and help. I have been in the storm and know that it takes an army to fetch yourself out: don’t do it alone.
