Next Friday marks nine years in recovery for me. Nine years since I chose life. Nine years ago I admitted myself into Rosewood’s care… Nine years ago I was dying. I had both feet in the grave, barely hanging onto life by my fingertips. The day before Thanksgiving, at what had become my regular daily visit to my medical doctor, she informed me of my choices: seek inpatient treatment at an eating disorder facility or a hospital. I was there with my husband. He was crying. I could not have cared any less. I was numb. Hiding my pain and holding onto my ED like a life preserver (ironic really). She gave me until the day after Thanksgiving to decide. I knew that if I went to the hospital, I wouldn’t get better. Physically maybe, but it would just continue to cycle back mentally and emotionally. I mainly chose to go to Rosewood to appease my doctor and my family, but underneath I had some sliver of hope that maybe I didn’t have to live out my remaining days stuck in my own personal hell. What kept me there though was me tablets for weight loss. After I got to Rosewood and was forced to eat, and in turn face so many of the emotions and trauma I had been keeping at bay, I realized that I had no idea who I was. I realized I wasn’t just not putting myself first. I wasn’t even on my own list. You see, I didn’t love myself. So, I stayed. Through Christmas. Through New Years. Even through my husband’s birthday. Because I knew that if I couldn’t learn to love myself or put my own needs first, I would have no life to return to. I’m sure I could’ve gone home and sought treatment again at another time, or even just delayed my treatment through the holidays, but the short amount of time I stayed (~70 days) forever changed me. Who’s to say how much more of my life would’ve been robbed from me had I left. I’ve had three healthy (miracle) children in my recovery. Who knows if I would’ve been able to had I stayed in my ED longer. Who knows if I would have been able to share my story (numerous times) and help those still struggling. Who knows if I would even be alive. My point is this: I gave up my holidays for one year and in return I gained much more than I ever could have imagined. AND, I would gladly do it again, knowing what I know now. I am enough. Worthy enough to put my own recovery first, and so are you. Brooke
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