“I Wish You Knew” – A Message From Our Courageous Rosewood Alumni

“I Wish You Knew…” (Words From Your Loved Ones)

I wish you could hear the things my mind says to me sometimes, how viciously I speak to myself reminding me of my unworthiness. I wish you knew how triggers move me in a flash from being happy to angry or sad. I wish you could know how much pain I’m really in and why I feel like a part of me has already died. I wish you could know how hard it is for me to even resemble a functional human being, and how intense my moods get so you might understand my reactions to things you do and say. I wish you could understand the depth of my depression. Feel and understand the fight of my mind everyday. Know the pain of not feeling like a human being. Mostly understand the battle I go thru to stay away from food all day as these negative thoughts race through my mind. How hard it is not to binge eat when all I can see is me on a chair in front of the fridge stuffing every single thing in my mouth…and be proud that I can fight that battle of not acting out those actions and just fighting the thoughts. And I want you to know that my weight and physical difficulties do not define the capabilities I do have or the person or the heart to love I have. I wish you could know what really happened to me in my life. I guess I should correct that and say I wish you could want to know what really happened to me in my life. I wish you would understand the immense pressure I constantly feel. How much your words impact me. I wish you knew the depth of pain I felt when they made certain decisions for me. I wish you knew how much food impacts my life. I want you to know how much I’ve changed since recovery. I wish you could understand how hard I fight… Depression, anxiety, body image, anorexia… Yes, I am in recovery, yes, it’s been nine years, and yes, some days (weeks, months, years) are easier than others, BUT I am still fighting and I’ll never stop. That’s the nature of mental illnesses. I’m healthy, yes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle mentally. I wish you could know why I have PTSD. I wish you could know about my religion and be happy for me. And most of all I wish you could accept that I’m gay and support me for it. I wish you could hear the way I talk about myself, the way I judge myself, they way I am constantly searching for your approval. I want your approval still at age 34. I wish you would give me a break and stop expecting anything from me and just take me for what I do and who I am without judgment. I wish you could know how scared I am that I will never be ok. I wish you knew how much I need to feel that I’m liked/loved. I wish you knew how stuck, ashamed and lost I feel. I wish you knew that I don’t associate food with love and that in the past when I refused or purged food I wasn’t refusing your love. I wish you knew how much I love you. I wish you knew that if I could choose you over the ED, I would. I wish you knew I’m powerless. I wish you knew it’s not your fault. Not to all of my family but to one in particular, I wish he knew I didn’t choose to have this disease and that it’s not as easy as he thinks to just eat and not feel guilt, hatred and disgust towards myself. To all my other family members, thank you for understanding and believing in me. I truly believe I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you. I wish you knew how much I need your unconditional love and support, not your advice, criticism and selfishness (brought on by fear for me, ironically). I wish you knew that while you contributed to my eating disorder, it goes way beyond you. I wish you knew how much support and unconditional love would mean to me. I wish you could know that when I talk with you about things I am not trying to burden you but help you understand. I wish you knew how much I needed and yearned for your love. I wish you knew how much pain I was/am in. I wish you knew how much I needed you to be my parent and not the other way around. I wish so badly that you would fight for me. I wish you could see how hard I am trying to beat this. I wish you could see the struggle inside every time I sit down to eat. I’d want them to understand that some days are just harder than others. That I’m not fighting any less when they see me struggle, but it may just be one of those hard days that take some extra strength to get through. I wish I could tell you what happened in my past that caused all of this to happen. I wish I could tell you that blaming me for everything makes me want to give up. I wish you knew how much it would mean to me if I could know whether you love me or not. I wish I could tell them I am the STRONG one, not the messed up one. I am the one continuing to make efforts in changing myself. I wish they could be proud of the changes I have made. I wish I could tell them struggles still happen with life and just because I am in recovery and doing great, doesn’t negate the steps I take everyday or have taken to be where I am. I wish they could see how comments like “if I had your brain I would kill myself” is not helpful nor encouraging. I wish you knew that I turned out just fine and that I have lots to offer in this world. And that i am proud to be me. I wish you accepted me and loved me for who I am, and not be ashamed and disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be the daughter you wanted. I wish you would understand that I need to live my life for me and not how they want me to live it. And just because I’m independent doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. The last part I’ve already said to my parents, but they still don’t understand that I’ve been sick for so long because I was trying to be someone who they wanted me to be… Rosewood Centers For Eating Disorders Alumni #operationrecovered